This morning, at breakfast, I was having a conversation with myself, as I always do, when I just stopped dead in the middle of my train of thought realizing how completely mortified I am at my life.
I realized that I am 24. I realized that as an Asian female person, (the word woman always makes me squirmish, writing it out and saying it in my head just then gave me goosebumps) I would have, at one point in my pre-24 life, dreamed of being married at this age. I realized that I am no where close to getting married. I realized that I don't even have my career shit together. I realized that after spending 11 years wanting to be a filmmaker and 5 years actually going towards the direction of being a filmmaker, I am no where close to being one. I realized that my brain is still a complete clusterfuck that can't path out clear directions in life.
So yeah, this is where I am.
Something is missing in my life. I know what it is. But I dare not dream it.
I'm clearly not the 19 year old girl who set out to explore the world and it's possibilities anymore. I don't believe in hope as much as I used to. And the thing I fear most is, I might not even believe in God anymore.
I realized that I am 24. I realized that as an Asian female person, (the word woman always makes me squirmish, writing it out and saying it in my head just then gave me goosebumps) I would have, at one point in my pre-24 life, dreamed of being married at this age. I realized that I am no where close to getting married. I realized that I don't even have my career shit together. I realized that after spending 11 years wanting to be a filmmaker and 5 years actually going towards the direction of being a filmmaker, I am no where close to being one. I realized that my brain is still a complete clusterfuck that can't path out clear directions in life.
So yeah, this is where I am.
Something is missing in my life. I know what it is. But I dare not dream it.
I'm clearly not the 19 year old girl who set out to explore the world and it's possibilities anymore. I don't believe in hope as much as I used to. And the thing I fear most is, I might not even believe in God anymore.
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