Warm Feelings All Around.

Had a really long conversation with best friend yesterday. Feel like less of a wreck today. I love how he's always making me search for answers within myself.

As usual, when it comes to thinking about the meaning of my life or its purpose, I am an absolute and utter disaster. I hate it when I start questioning things because they end up seeming so pointless. Nothing seem to matter in the grand spectrum of things yet it matters so much to me.

That's what I love about best friend. He's the complete opposite of me. I feel things while he see things. I want things while he wants experiences. I believe in the process of art while he only believes in results.

It gets frustrating sometimes. But I realize that without these bimonthly conversations with him, I will never get anywhere with my creative work, I will constantly wallow in my emotions of worthlessness, I will refuse to enjoy the simple things in life.

So, I just wanted to say, thanks, best friend. You're my rock.
 

2 a.m.

Ah, the hour to ponder upon life.

I'm never up this late lately so I haven't been feeling dejected for no reason. But I took a nap at 7pm today and this is the result : unexplained emo-ness that has to be dealt with through writing.

So, if you haven't been keeping up with me lately, this is what's going on.

1. I finally quit my job that has made me very unhappy in the past year.

I don't know if it was the right decision but the main reason I actually typed out my resignation letter, printed it out, marched to my boss' table and broke the news to him was actually because I read something online that said, "Your dream starts when you do something about it." 

I'm pretty damn sure it didn't mean quit your job which is your only chance of financial stability and pretty awesome hours to chase a dream that you are not so sure about yourself. But what's done is done and I'm excited for the adventures that lie ahead! :)

2. I'm applying for a scholarship that I doubt that I will get yet hope that I do yet fear that I will.

Haha! Yeah. I'm actually at the almost-final stage of the application. Didn't think I would have made it this far but here I am, reading up about universities in a foreign land and what not. Nothing much to say about this except, I'm scared shitless about it. 

I know that it will do me good but a huge part of me is really freaking out about where I am in life and how little I have accomplished. I know it's not about the destination and it's the journey that counts. But a part of me really hate that i'm such a "late bloomer". I see people doing really well in their career, getting married and shit, and here I am all, "I have no idea what I'm doing, maybe i'll write a book!"

Okay, sorry I made it seem like it was gonna be a long inexhaustible list but it's really only 2 things. Haha! I have a boring life.

Just hitting the surface on this one. I actually have more I want to get off my chest but I can feel my eyes getting heavy so I'm gonna hit the sack before I miss this magical opportunity. Yes, I know, I'm an old fart.

Until next time, folk(s)!

 

no more color in my posts?!

This morning, at breakfast, I was having a conversation with myself, as I always do, when I just stopped dead in the middle of my train of thought realizing how completely mortified I am at my life.

I realized that I am 24. I realized that as an Asian female person, (the word woman always makes me squirmish, writing it out and saying it in my head just then gave me goosebumps) I would have, at one point in my pre-24 life, dreamed of being married at this age. I realized that I am no where close to getting married. I realized that I don't even have my career shit together. I realized that after  spending 11 years wanting to be a filmmaker and 5 years actually going towards the direction of being a filmmaker, I am no where close to being one. I realized that my brain is still a complete clusterfuck that can't path out clear directions in life.

So yeah, this is where I am.

Something is missing in my life. I know what it is. But I dare not dream it.

I'm clearly not the 19 year old girl who set out to explore the world and it's possibilities anymore. I don't believe in hope as much as I used to. And the thing I fear most is, I might not even believe in God anymore.

Grateful.

Today I'm sad. But I will remember to be grateful because I promised myself that I will remain optimistic this year no matter what happens.

So, I decided to make a list of all the things I'm grateful for right now.

1. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful that they deal with my difficult and unpredictable personality.

2. I'm grateful for friends who know when to say something and when not to, friends who are and always will be there for me, friends who will sit with me and listen to my nonsensical ramblings.

3. I'm grateful for faraway friends that still treat me like family.

4. I'm grateful for unexpected people in my life who always make me grow as a person.

5. I'm grateful that life is a struggle, that it always forces you to move forward, making you stronger and wiser as a person.

6. I'm grateful for beaches.

7. I'm grateful that you came into my life at my weakest and healed me. 

8. I'm grateful that you are more courageous than I am. 

9. I'm grateful for music. 

---

Ah, life.

Want to know why there are different religions in the world?

Conversation that pissed me off to no end today :-

Me : I'm going to Krabi.

Person : With who?

Me : Friends.

Person: Names?

Me : *Named 4 Malay names*

Person: OMG. *freaks out*

Me : What is your problem?

Person : You're going with a bunch of Muslims!

---

Like seriously, Jesus said to love your neighbors.

---

However, in the name of not being biased, if the tables were turned, I'm sure somewhere out there in this messed up country, someone would say, "You're going with a bunch of Christians!" or "You're going with a bunch of Buddhists!" or "You're going with a bunch of Hindus!" But this is the conversation I had, so this is the one I'm sharing.

To me, it doesn't matter what religion you believe in, you deserved to be loved. That is your right as a human being and that is why God made you. God is LOVE after all. And that is what i believe in.

I believe that if everyone is made in the image of God, they have the capacity to love. So why hate on people because they don't believe the same theology as you? Why condemn others when doing that makes you and the religion you believe in look bad? Just love. You can do it. You were designed to do it. Like the wise words of John Lennon, "All you need is love."

---

Sorry if this post offends. Just sharing my opinion on the matter.

Say What?

How did I go from being a dreamer to just wanting to get by?

Life.

 

You only live once.

The one thing I realize about me is... Wait. I mean, one of the many things I realize about me is, I'm always in a hurry. I'm constantly trying to achieve something, write something, film something. I always want to get things done, like NOW. And that puts me in a lot of pressure and stress. I'm always mad at myself if I don't get to my creative work. I get even more mad when I don't like the outcome of what I've produced. But then again, I've read a quote somewhere that says something like "an artist never completes his work, he just moves on." That makes me feel a little better :)

Been having a crazy week because of this sense of urgency. Not only with the 2 films I'm currently editing at the same time, but also with my job and my writing. I have so many things on my checklist of things-to-do, that it makes me so so unhappy. On top of that, I even missed a couple of deadlines because of this hectic schedule! This gives me an internal rage that I can't get rid off.

Then, today I read a blog post about "The Top 5 Regrets of The Dying" and I realize that I feel all of these things too (and I'm blessed enough to be still alive). Here's a break down of the list:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I'd had stayed in touch with my friends.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.


So this year, I'm going to dedicate myself to be happier, to not fear being true to myself, to be courageous with my feelings, to appreciate my friends more, to take a chill pill every once in a while when it comes to work (or even better, find a job that truly makes me happy).

I hope that you guys do too! Because, you know, you only live once ;)

Confession.

Okay, so I know I'm not gonna be very popular after posting this and most of you would probably think I'm crazy. Not the oh-look-at-her-running-around-in-circles-in-happiness-and-joy kinda crazy but a full out damn-girl-you-have-some-serious-mental-issues-going-on-up-there kinda crazy. However, a little part of me truly believes that a lot of people go through this but they are too afraid to "come out of the closet", so to speak. So, here goes.

My name is Rachel and I'm a stalker.

It all started 3 years ago when I was feeling very insecure about my relationship due to an incident I shall not disclose here. So, because of that, I started stalking the boyfriend's ex girlfriend. Yes, yes, very immature but hear me out. I knew that he didn't have any residual feelings towards her but I just couldn't believe it. I thought she was gorgeous and she seemed like a fun person. So, to feel better about myself, I tried to find out things about her that were not so pretty. And let's just put it this way, she's not perfect but there's something about seeing a person at their best and their worst that really makes you relate to a person.

Because most of her social media accounts are on private, I actually started looking at her friends' profiles. (OK, you can start ringing the crazy bells now.) And through that, I actually like these people. They are so.. human. I want to think of them as mean people but it's hard. And the truth is, people are people. Haha, I know, I'm not very eloquent. But the point I'm trying to make is, everyone is the same. You go through life and there are bad parts and there are good parts. And the most important thing is, there is always something to love about another person no matter how much you want to find fault in them. 

Not only that, through my stalking, I actually found some good blogs to read that I still do every now and then. I also learn a few things from some of her friends like local poetry and cool music. I'm not trying to defend a bad habit but I just want to put it out there that there's always a good thing behind a bad (and also, scary and crazy) one. It's how you choose to look at something that makes a difference :)

To be honest, I haven't really stopped my stalking. I do try to resist the urge.

On a side note, I haven't met these people that I stalk online in person and I swear I had a glimpse of them once and my heart fluttered like I was seeing celebrities. I really do have high esteem of these people and I wish them the best in life :)

And to people who are reading this, I'm sorry I'm so insane.. I will try to be better :(

---

Also, to boyfriend who doesn't read this blog on the principle that you will not read things without pictures, I'm really sorry and thanks for overlooking the crazy. You know how I feel about you.

Blah.

I want to write something. But I don't know what to write about. So I guess I'm just gonna put some words here, on this blog, for no particular reason.

I actually have a few drafts of posts I wanted to put up on this blog but today is not an editing kinda day.

Just wanna write and purge words from my system.

It's been a lazy start to the new year. Although, I really appreciate catching up with old friends and meeting new ones during the festive season.

However, it's crunch time now and I really gotta pick myself up and continue working on all my unfinished projects.

Happy 2013, guys! :) :) :)